


34 Christmases

by storiesofchaos



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Christmas, Dorks in Love, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Remus Might Swoon, Sirius is a Soppy Git
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 23:23:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17130671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesofchaos/pseuds/storiesofchaos
Summary: “Remus Lupin has had 10 Christmases with Sirius Black and 24 without him. He remembers each one of those glorious 10 Christmases, fragments that piece together his heart. He's hoping this Christmas will make it 11, but he also doesn't want to get his hopes up.So for now, he will think instead.”In which Remus remembers the Christmases of his life — his first one with Sirius, the Christmas he fell in love, the Christmas he lost everything,and the Christmas his heart mended, just a little bit. . .





	34 Christmases

**Author's Note:**

> I think I am incapable of writing anything without angst, even for Christmas. 
> 
> This is slightly inspired by NyxRising Industries' "Gone" CMV on YouTube. (Go check it out, it's amazing!)

 

> _“December wouldn’t be the same without you_  
>  _December wouldn’t be the same_  
>  _And all the dreams I’ve ever had could come true_  
>  _But December wouldn’t be the same_  
>  _Without the warm soul of you”_
> 
> _—_ Gabrielle Aplin & Hannah Grace

Remus Lupin has had 10 Christmases with Sirius Black and 24 without him. He remembers each one of those glorious 10 Christmases, fragments that piece together his heart. He's hoping this Christmas will make it 11, but he also doesn't want to get his hopes up.

So for now, he will think, instead.

He remembers that first Christmas at Hogwarts so clearly. He had had Christmas at home, but it was always small and he never felt well enough to truly appreciate it. Sirius's Christmases had been strict and formal, so for both of them this was a big treat, to see so much happiness and celebration fill the school so that it almost seemed to burst with all the gleaming lights and baubles. James and Peter's excitement was contagious as they chattered on about all the presents they hoped to receive, the food to be served at Christmas dinner, and the size of the trees in the Great Hall, while the other two boys listened in enrapturement. 

When James woke them all up on Christmas morning by jumping on their beds, glasses askew, they couldn't help but feel that jolt of pure happiness that only comes on very special occasions. They raced to the foot of their beds, James already halfway through his sizable stack. Remus remembers seeing Sirius trying to hide his disappointment that his parents had only sent him a new white dress shirt and a rather large book on proper cauldron cleaning (“who needs a whole book on that?” Peter had said), but he smiled a little when he saw that Regulus had sent him a card with a shabby drawing of what appeared to be him and his brother, but Remus couldn't quite tell.

Sirius cheered up a bit more when Remus shared his large amount of chocolate with him, and James gave them all candy from Honeydukes and some of his father's hair products (much to Sirius's delight, but Remus and Peter's bemusement).

This was the Christmas Remus unconsciously decided he would do anything for Sirius, but it quickly left his 11 year old head during the Christmas feast and the grandest snowball fight Hogwarts had ever witnessed.

\---

Christmas Eve 5 years later in sixth year was not much different, except they were more gangly and loud, and the same excitement had dimmed slightly. They were also a little bit drunk, because since Sirius had been disowned he had taken to smuggling Muggle alcohol into the dormitory.

Remus remembers that his crush on Sirius had been growing every day, and though they had gotten closer and closer, they never acknowledged what was happening between then. They each usually left the hangings on their beds open a little so they could face one another as they slept, occasionally whispering back and forth in the dark hours of the night.

All was quiet that Christmas Eve except for the soft snoring of Peter and James, and the rustling of Sirius as he flipped back and forth on his bed every so often. Remus faded in and out of sleep, still worn out and sore from the full moon a few days ago. That's when he heard it, the familiar sound of his name being whispered from the bed next to his. Opening his eyes blearily, he could see Sirius peering out between the crack in his hangings, wand lit up.  

“Come here,” Sirius whispered, and Remus became sleepily puzzled, but he got out anyways, the dormitory floor freezing beneath his bare feet. Sirius scooted over to make room in his bed, Remus immediately burrowing under the covers, as if he'd done this many times before. In actuality, Sirius had always been the one to crawl under his covers in the middle of the night, usually after a full moon, except he hadn't done it for several years.

“What is it?” Remus asked, but then in the faint glow he could see that Sirius's eyes were slightly red and his cheeks were wet.

“I just, um . . . of course I never liked them anyways, and I shouldn't even be sad about this, but it is my first Christmas without a family and Regulus wouldn't even accept my gift before he left for the house and —”

“Hey,” Remus interrupted him, cupping the side of Sirius's face and making him look up. Remus vividly remembers the way Sirius looked at him, with so much hope in his deep eyes and the way new tears came rushing out. “You _have_ got a family. It's us, and we'll never let you down,” he hesitated for a moment. “Especially me. We're . . . brothers after all, right?” It slightly pained him to say 'brothers’, but he decided not to think of it.

Sirius was quiet for a moment, still looking at Remus so intently that Remus found it hard to look away. “No . . . I thought we were closer than brothers,” Sirius finally whispered and Remus's heart gave a little leap. 

Afterwards, he would remember the way Sirius's long eyelashes closed delicately against his skin, how soft his hair was under Remus's scarred hands, how his lips tasted like honey and mulled wine, how the words, _I love you,_ were chanted within a shared breath.

When they were awoken to bed hangings being pulled back and pillows being thrown at them, they each couldn't help but smile, curled around each other while Peter reluctantly handed James a few coins and muttered something about a bet.

This time, Sirius didn't get disappointed by his lack of presents, saying his true family was all he needed, and even James went a little teary-eyed when Sirius pulled them into a group hug. He gave Remus a secret grin over the other boys’ heads, one of the last truly pure and joyous smiles he would see on Sirius's face, one that would keep Remus's heart warm for years to come.

This was the Christmas Remus realized _why_ he had decided he would do anything for Sirius, and it would remain one of the happiest days of his life.

\---

Remus would treasure the Christmas 4 years later, for it was such a bright light in a time of darkness. That Christmas day celebration at Lily and James's house was a haze of golden glow and laughter, only broken by small silences when the radio would crackle on, desperately wishing it wouldn't say what they dreaded.

Seeing Sirius holding five month old Harry felt so _right_ and natural, the way he made funny faces as the baby boy smiled, how he tenderly kissed the dark tufts of hair and whispered something Remus couldn't hear.

Sirius had realized Remus was staring at him and he actually blushed a little, before Remus walked over and wrapped an arm around him as Harry watched them curiously. Remus remembers Sirius suddenly groaned as a putrid smell wafted from Harry's diaper, and Lily laughed as she took him from Sirius's arms and handed the baby to James with a look, who groaned too as they left the room.

And how could he forget the look on Sirius's face when he whispered in his love's ear, “promise me, when all this is over, you'll marry me.”

When Sirius fiercely kissed him in response, he tasted of trifle and firewhiskey and pure _hope._

This was the Christmas he thought everything was going to turn out alright in the end.

\---

Neither got to live up to Remus's promise, for 10 months later everything good in his life had disappeared. Even though the Dark Lord was gone, his life had never felt darker.

He can't remember much of that time, but he knows it rained a lot that Christmas. His mind was in constant battle with itself, not wanting to believe what everyone else said was true, but also feeling like he couldn't keep the small amount of hope alive for very much longer.

Sirius Black couldn't have done such a thing — he _wouldn't._ But there was nothing for Remus to do or prove, and all his close friends were gone. He desperately held onto the silver ring Sirius had given him only a few months ago, inscribed, _for if I'm gone, remember your Padfoot._ At the time Remus had tried to laugh it off, saying, 'you'll never be gone from me’, but they both knew it was a fool's hope. Sirius had just kissed Remus's hand bearing the ring; then during the first Christmas without Sirius in too long, Remus held the bit of silver so tightly that it dug into his skin.

This was the Christmas a part of him died, leaving only a remnant of what he used to be. 

\---

When Remus went back to Hogwarts to teach, he saw himself and his friends at every turn, down every corridor and laughing in every nook. It was harder when he saw Harry with his own friends, looking like James, yet so innocent as he smiled at Remus when he passed.

He remembers how much harder it was at Christmastime, how he saw Sirius everywhere amid the lights and greenery. He saw Sirius running down the hall, black hair flying behind him as he shouted at Remus to catch up; how his eyes brightened and his cheeks reddened when they went outside in the snow; how he smiled when they both crossed under a sprig of mistletoe.

There was where they had gotten in trouble Christmas day in third year for charming the baubles in the Great Hall to sing rude songs, he remembers seeing. And there was where they consoled James for getting rejected by Lily (again) after he tried to ask her out in fifth year before she left to go home for the holidays. He remembers chuckling slightly as he passed the broom cupboard Sirius had dragged him to in seventh year after he insisted he couldn't wait the entirety of the Christmas feast without kissing him.

All these memories were especially painful with the rumors of Sirius's escape and him entering Hogwarts, and anytime someone mentioned him, especially Harry, he felt weak, almost worse than he did after a full moon.

So that is why he didn't go to the small Christmas lunch and instead locked himself in his room, allowing himself one precious moment of thinking only of the happy memories of his past.

He remembers that he reached into a drawer, and with trembling hands, pulled out a small box that he hadn't opened for many years, despite his gnawing desire to do so. This time he obliged, opening it with a creak.

Inside was the silver ring, a lock of Sirius's dark hair, a Muggle movie ticket from their last proper date together ( _Th_ _e Empire Strikes Back,_ which Sirius had demanded they see), and a stack of letters.

Of course Sirius had liked to send love letters, the soppy git. After they got together in sixth year he had started slipping bits of parchment onto Remus's desk when he thought the professor wasn't looking, even if class ended in a few minutes. Usually they only said something like,  _this is_ _just a note to tell you I love you,_ although sometimes they were more risque, and Remus would always roll his eyes but smile anyways, secretly loving the letters and savoring them when Sirius wasn't around.

In the summer Sirius apparently got bored, because he would quote a lot of Muggle authors in his letters to Remus, including, _“The world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold. The curves of your lips rewrite history.”_ Remus had told Sirius later that he couldn't believe he had read a novel over a hundred years old, but wouldn't tell him just how much his heart fluttered when he read those lines. He had expected Sirius to reply with a witty retort and goofy smile, but instead he kissed the inside of Remus's wrist, keeping his gaze on him the whole time. Remus could have sworn he almost swooned.

But the letter at the very end was the most read out of all of them; the page was worn from tracing the hasty script again and again and slightly crinkled because of all the times he had cried over it. This was the last letter Sirius had sent him, the morning of October 31st, 1981. He remembers how his hands shook as he read it for the first time in what felt like ages.

> _Dearest Moony,_
> 
> _Just want to let you know that I love you (obviously) and can't wait to see you tonight. Little Harry's gonna be so crazy about my costume, just wait (you will too). I promise it won't be like that time I dressed up as Kreacher and made Harry cry._
> 
> _Anyway, stay safe. I'm always thinking of you, even if you don't believe it. And I always will be thinking of you, no matter if I'm so very far away. I know that when I see you tonight you'll berate me for being so forlorn and thinking too much and too negatively, and of course I never want to think of the most terrible, but I'm scared of losing you. You would be fine without me, you're strong and I believe in you. So I suppose this is just me being selfish but . . . Shit, Remus, I just love you so much. But I also have this bad feeling, worse than I've ever felt, and it's taking everything in me not to rush over to you right now._
> 
> _I just wish you the most happiness in the whole world. I hope you know that, and I wish I can help in any way find your light in the dark. I know you're mine, and it gets dark a lot. No one is what you are to me. You are my home, my life, my hope._
> 
> _My light._
> 
> _— Your Padfoot_

He remembers barely being able to read, the tears coming in too thickly. A picture falls out of the envelope and it is of their last morning together, taken a fews day before the letter was written. Sirius is holding the camera facing himself and a reluctant Remus, just waking up. Sirius has a beautiful grin on his face, laughing when Remus tries to avoid the shot, before swooping down to kiss him. Remus stares at this at it replays over and over again.

He remembers whispering, _you were my light, too._

This was the Christmas he realized just how lonely he was. 

\---

The sound of muffled whispers and the pad of socked feet on the stairs of 12 Grimmauld Place suddenly takes him out of his mind and into the present — Christmas morning, 1995. It was dark and silent when he had sat down in an armchair by the fire this morning, but now he can hear Molly in the kitchen and what seems to be the teenagers awake in the hall.

There is also someone else in the room with him that he never noticed coming in, seated in the chair near his and staring at him with those deep, beautiful eyes, if only a bit less bright than he remembers.

“Happy Christmas, Remus,” he hears.

“Happy Christmas, Sirius,” he replies.

**Author's Note:**

> Excerpt from the first letter is inspired by a letter written by Eleanor Roosevelt to her lover Lorena Hickok, and the quote from the second letter is courtesy of Oscar Wilde. 
> 
> Happy holidays! :D


End file.
